I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
