Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
