There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
