Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
