The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
