I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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