Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
