So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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