I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
