I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
