So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
