I have demons in me.
4 words: hood of his car
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Randomize
