I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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