I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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