make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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