I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
