when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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