my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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