I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
