Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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