so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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