Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
