I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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