So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
