There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
