While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
