The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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