dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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