I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
