Screwed.edu
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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