apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
