Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
