Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
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