Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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