The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
