Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
