i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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