hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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