This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
