When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
