Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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