My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So many bounce houses so little time
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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