Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
