I haven't been this sober since birth.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
