Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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