So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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