We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
