i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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