Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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