Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't deserve a penis
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
