Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you win again, gameday.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
