I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
