Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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