her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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