It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
