if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
