Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
