There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
