He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
