He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
