Where is the hickey?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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