I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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